So, here I am. Cawfee steaming beside me in a cup I remember finding in a dusty tiny shop along a side street in Tokyo, LD snoring away during her nap, HH somewhere in Denver speaking to reservists, HS participating in a war (yep...that's right...neighborhood war!), and Cody either snoring or trying to annoy Kendo. Regardless, I'm here. Just me. I'm peering out at the harbor and looking out towards the Wai'anae range. I am finally relaxed enough to sit and have left a note out reminding me that I am not to be on facebook, Scouttrack, or email. I am to be right here. In peace. Reflecting. Wondering. Day dreaming. It's just me...with thoughts churning deep within:
* hearing I love you from my children and husband shall never grow old. One says it with a lisp, the other with the voice of a boy on the brink of changing his voice, and the last, one who will grow older and older with me and still love me.
* why is it that I've placed such high expectations which have in turn turned into daily demands upon myself as a mother? As a wife? As a leader?
* I'm feeling really worn down from always doing things to a level that I think is perfect and then I find something wrong with what I did.
* I really miss date nights with HH. We are so caught up in the lives of our children and work that by the time we are on our date, all I really want is to snuggle on the sofa and sleep.
* why is it that I feel like such an outsider even in the groups that I think have helped define who I am right now?
* I'm terrified of being told we are going to stay here for another few years. I miss my family, yet I want that tour that has the WOW factor and gives us some culture.
* Why is it that whenever I see a Kansas license plate I always here "Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore" instantly?
* I'm desperately trying to figure out how to keep my teacher licensure. When the h** am I suppose to take these two classes, clean the house, take care of two kids + husband + two animals and get exercise so I don't feel like a big sloth?
* I love that I finally found a Catholic bible study. I crave that fellowship and I adore that I'm finally being brave enough to not let it bother me to use "God" when I'm talking to people. Let's face it, God is the one who has given me my greatest blessings!
* I'm really proud of myself. I made a promise to do absolutely nothing with scouts this weekend and I've remained true to myself. I must still have my moments that I'm not calling someone, writing about, discussing or planning scout things. I love the organization and I'm thrilled that HS enjoys it, but I need to ensure that I don't get burned out.
* It is harder than I thought it would be to save Saturday evenings for mass. With the fellows doing karate on Saturday and Sunday mornings, we have decided that we will guard our Saturday evening and ensure we head to mass. That's challenging. Saturday's used to be our days to have people over or enjoy dining with another family. The movies all start at 4:45 at the cheap seat theater on base. I will maintain Saturday mass at 5. It is too important to not do.
* "No" is not usually in my vocabulary. It is now. It must be. Remind me I wrote this. Constantly.
* I'm aging. God designed us to do that. Even with the fine lines appearing around my eyes, those eyes are still the same ones that peaked out and saw my mom and dad's face for the 1st time, watched my grandpa fish while loving the swaying of his yellow boat on a mountain lake and the smiles and the winks he would give to me, soaked in the beauty of the prairie, took in the face of my HH, hyptonitized by the awe of my two miricales the first time I was able to see them after they were born.
It's just me. Sitting here reflecting, challenging myself, and wondering. Life is so full of great joys and fleeting moments of sorrow. I am blessed.
3 comments:
Dearest One,
I am very proud of your power to give of yourself, support others, praise others, challenge others, and help others to "dance".
I am more proud of your ability to understand that you cannot do any of these things without stopping to fill yourself.
"No" is not always a negative word. All of us need to learn to say it in order to do what "fills" our soul. "Put it on the bookcase, up upon the 'frigerator door, up upon the mirror where you'll see it for sure!..." says an old country song which speaks true. If you do not go to God and spend time on YOU to fill you up, you will eventually run dry.
If you do not show your children that faith in and service to God are important, they will grow without that source of towering strength and joy. I praise God that you are stalwart in protecting worship time and that you have found a Bible study. Only good can come of both.
Working on that "impossible" task of keeping your certification to teach demonstrates to your children that education is important and lifelong. HOWEVER, I had to let mine go at about the same point in my life. Did it destroy me? NO! I went on to become an adjunct teacher and had a successful career in education. Bottom line, decide what is best for you and NEVER LOOK BACK.
Trust in God, trust in yourself. Realize that you are never going to be perfect; only God is. When you are stressed, give it to him, stop your processor's spinning, breathe. Do not beat yourself up; give yourself grace. Have a cup of cawfee and know that time spent investing in yourself is never badly spent.
Getting older? NO, you are growing and getting better. Those little lines? They are from a life spent in laughter! Do NOT stress about getting older; the alternative is not desirable!!! You still have places to go (hopefully closer to us) and things to do (like help to shape two marvelous little people and others too).
I love you my darling one. "You light up my life."
Mom
Dear friend, I am in tears beacause I can identify with all those things you have listed. Thank you for giving words to my similar thoughts too. As I have not taken the time to write or even think past the next few moments. We must keep after each other to make time for ourselves and each other as I gain encouragement and support from our friendship too. I am always here for you... H :-)
It is amazing how blessed we are yet how often we don't look at our blessings. I too find myself putting a lot of pressure on myself to be the perfect mother, and wife and forget about me. You have a way with words that i so enjoy reading and bring peace to me.
If you do decide to take a class maybe we can sign up for the same one and be a support for each other and encourage each other to find time for it. I do have a few places i have enjoyed taking classes from and also need to take one.
I am blessed to have met you hear and have you as a friend!
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